Friday, May 27, 2005
Pornography And You
I will say up front that I don't really like porn. I have trouble getting over the fact that those women are someone's little girl, and I think about what I would do if my baby girl grew up and didn't feel that she could do any better than getting naked for money. You can give me all the crap you want about how it's their choice and some of them really enjoy it, but I think that is because somewhere in their lives they became convinced that they had nothing more to contribute than their bodies. Maybe I am wrong, but that is how I feel. I have no problem with tasteful nude photography, but anyone with two brain cells to rub together knows the difference between that and porn.
That said, MJ had a lot of porn before we met, and it's in a box in our closet right now. I haven't made Him get rid of it, and I don't really care about it because it never really comes out of it's box. Honestly I don't know why He keeps it, since He would rather find new porn online. Maybe because it is there if our internet ever gets shut off, LOL.
Occasionally MJ and I enjoy watching porn together, but I am so picky about the kind of porn that I like that it is hard to find anything worth watching. The men in most porn are just weird looking to me. No one cares about what their face looks like, as long as they have a dick that would make a mule green with envy. That is troublesome to me, because I don't care what the equipment looks like, I just want the man to look ok, not even really hot, just normal. Plus I am not into 19 men on one woman and all that, I could go on forever about my taste in porn, but it doesn't really matter. Most of the reason that I liked watching porn with MJ was because for several years I had a serious lack of sex drive, and sometimes it helped get me in the mood. That isn't really a problem anymore, so porn is at the bottom of the list of things that make me horny.
MJ and I have actually had quite a few heated arguments about His porn. I have a hard time not letting it bother me. I think that this is mostly due to my own insecurities about my body. Let's be honest, He isn't looking at porn of porky women with old-lady boobies. I don't look like a porn star even on a good day, so it hurt me that He would want to look at porn of thin women with fake breasts and tight everything. But in hindsight I realize that He only looked at porn when I was unavailable to Him.
I have mentioned before that my sex drive took a serious dip during and between my pregnancies. I didn't care if we had sex at all, and I rejected MJ's advances almost daily. So He would go and look at porn and take care of Himself and then I would pout about it. I guess I thought that if I could go for months without an orgasm, so should He. It isn't that He ever preferred porn over me, but what was He to do when I just flat out said "no, go do it yourself". But being a hormonal mess, Irrational Me had control a good part of the time, so I thought that I was so ugly to Him, that He would try to get it on with me so that I would say no, and He could look at porn guilt-free. But that wasn't the truth, He would have rather have made love to me, but the boy can only take so much continual rejection. And then there were times that He didn't even try to convince me to have sex, He would just go look at porn and do His thing. I can't really blame Him when I think back to it, He probably knew what I would say just judging from whatever mood I was in. But at the time I was totally convinced that He no longer found me the least bit attractive, so why would He try to get me naked? At the time I was feeling so bad about how I looked, I was miserable, and I took it out on MJ a lot of the time. At one time I even though He might be having an affair (I still cannot believe that I thought that, and I am ashamed of myself for doubting my wonderful Husband, but it's the truth).
All that said, I still have a hard time with MJ looking at porn. But wonder of wonders, since we started D/s and He gets sex pretty much whenever He wants, He has almost completely stopped looking at porn. I am sexually available to Him pretty much all the time, He doesn't seem to feel the need to look at other naked women. That doesn't mean that He never looks at porn anymore, actually I will save pictures that I find in my travels online for Him, if I see something that I might like to try. But for the most part I think that He doesn't have any time for porn, LOL. What with keeping me satisfied and spending time with the kids and planning for the house, there isn't much free time left.
I don't have a huge problem with strippers, part of me also feel sorry for them in a way (see first paragraph). But I have gone to the strippers with friends (and with MJ), and I don't really mind MJ going to them, although it does bug me a little. Maybe I am weird or old fashioned, but I would really prefer that my Husband only see me naked, and no one else. And don't tell me that it is some kind of necessary Man thing, what do you thing they did before the invention of strippers and porn?? Loads of Men never saw anyone naked besides their wife, and they never died from 'lack of seeing naked women'.
So that is my opinion.
Build Your Dream Dom...
LOL, if only it was that easy...
This post was inspired by Amber and her recent post regarding submissives taking the initiative to submit willingly, rather than trying to corner their Dom into making them submit. Anyway, she says it better than that, so take a look.
Can you really teach a regular old vanilla man to be an amazing Dom? This seems to be a matter of opinion within the community. The short answer, from my perspective, is yes and no, lol, clear enough?
Some men just do not have the makings of a Dom in them, in fact they would probably do a lot better on the other end of the flogger. You can instruct and coerce them all you want, and they may become very skilled Tops, but it won't be quite the same.
But don't lose hope yet. Some men have a Dominant beast lurking within them, just waiting for a good excuse to come out and tie you down. On the whole, society frowns on women surrendering to men. They frown on men hitting women, however consensual it is. Women should always be treated with the utmost respect, especially since the feminist movement when women demanded that they be treated as equals, if not as superiors. A lot of submissive women struggle with their feelings of submissiveness because it goes against everything they were taught. Women should never 'surrender' to a man, you should not rely on a man, you should be totally independent. Well, sometimes it takes a good Dom to draw out the submissive slut in those women, and sometimes it takes a good submissive to draw out the Dominant beast in a Man.
I think that we too often forget that many men with Dominant inclinations are suppressing their feelings, because it is just *wrong*, right? One of the first lessons that many little boys learn is that you never hit girls (especially the really annoying ones in your grade one class). This message is repeated over and over and over as they grow up. Girls are physically weaker than boys (for the most part), so boys should never take advantage of that and abuse girls. This goes on into adulthood, you never really hear about women being arrested for domestic abuse of her husband, unless she does something really extreme (like cutting off his manhood). Even then, the chances of her going to jail are far slimmer than if he had cut off her breast or labia.
So when a wife (I only used married couples as an example because that is how it works in my part of the world) saunters up to her Man and says "I want you to tie me up and hit me with this" and then hands Him a __________ (insert implement of your choice here) His brain naturally goes into alarm mode. I wouldn't know but it probably goes something like this:
vanilla lobe:'she wants me to what? Oh shit, this is bad.'
Dom lobe: 'woooohooo, my prayers have been answered, where's the rope?'
vanilla lobe: 'no wait, I can't do that, it's wrong, I shouldn't hit the woman that I love, it goes against everything that my mother ever taught me'
Dom lobe:'this is gonna be great, wait until she sees all the toys I have been secretly hiding in the garage'
vanilla lobe: 'no way I am touching this with a ten foot pole. Next time we have an argument she'll cry spousal abuse and I'll end up in jail.'
Dom lobe: 'shut up vanilla lobe, don't you know that this means blowjobs on demand?'
Ok, maybe not totally like that, lol. But honestly, don't you think that it is really hard for them to accept your requests?
That said, it will probably take some convincing on your part that you truly want this, and that nothing bad will happen if He Doms you. Luckily, these days, there are almost unlimited resources online to help Him educate Himself on the finer points of D/s and the like. It will take a while for Him to get over His nervousness, which is good, and to be expected. Just like when you were learning to ride a bike (ok, totally overused analogy, but it works). At first it was really scary, you didn't want to let go of your training wheels. But after peddling up and down the street with your mom or dad hanging onto the back of your bike, you got the hang of it. You still wiped out a few times, and it took loads of practice to master, even more practice to learn any tricks. So it is with Domination, He isn't going to wake up one morning and suddenly be a perfect Dominant, it will take time.
You can help by assuring Him often how much you are enjoying this new dynamic of your relationship. Try not to fall into the trap that I did and start pestering Him so much that He pulls away. Domination can very easily become like a chore for a Man, if you are always begging for it He'll start to see it as more work for Him. This is not true of all Men, and you know your husband better than I do, so use your own judgement in that area. But don't expect Him to just take charge and *force* you to submit, at least not right away. While that can be fun some of the time, if He has to fight you every time He wants you to submit, it will get old, real fast. And if you are fighting for control all the time, is that really being submissive? Like Amber says, take the initiative and be submissive, without him having to force you. You may be skeptical about this approach, but at least give it a try, a good try, over at least a month or two. It might not be loads of fun for you, not what you really imagined when you asked for D/s, but it will probably help. Your man will see how wonderful it is to have a beautifully submissive wife, and he will want to keep you that way, so if you start to step out of line it will be more natural for him to *ahem* put you back in your place by whatever method suites you both. He will also be more inclined to play if He isn't using so much energy battling with you for the top spot in the relationship.
I am using MJ and I as an example because it is working for us. I decided to just submit to MJ without Him having to ask or make me. I got very noticeable and positive results right off the start, and when we discussed it later He said that He felt that Dominating me was less work, and therefore more fun for Him, when I submitted without the struggle. Sure it is still fun to play with resistance and so forth in the bedroom, but doing it constantly in everyday life will become exhausting for him and frustrating for you. Even if you think this will not work for you, does it really hurt to try???
So, can you teach a regular guy to be a wonderful Dom? Yes, but only if the inclination is already there on some level. You will know when you see it in his eyes. He will have an energy about Him, a presence that makes you go weak in the knees. It may take Him a lot of time and encouragement to get over His reluctance and insecurity, but when something finally clicks, boy does it ever. There will probably still be times that He questions the *rightness* of it all, but if you make sure He knows that you are a willing victim, it will pass.
Last night MJ and I snuggled up in bed. It was nice to have Him home after sleeping apart from Him for two nights, while He was at His parents house. He was spooning me, our naked bodies pressed tight together. He rubbed His cock against my ass, and then slipped it into my pussy, which seems to be in a constant state of wet and ready recently. I moaned and arched my back, tipping my pelvis so it was easier for Him to fuck me. He was thrusting into me, it felt so good after a couple of days of no sex.
While He was fucking me I whispered that He could hold onto the back of my neck with His free hand. I am kind of touchy when it comes to my neck, and I wanted Him to know that it was ok by me. He grasped the back of my neck with one hand and then suddenly His other hand was over my mouth. My eyes rolled back in my head and I whimpered as I sunk instantly into sub space. It was incredible (thanks Bliatz, guess He took the hint when I showed Him that bit from your blog). He was fucking me harder and I was totally lost in subspace. And then I couldn't breath, MJ had clamped my nose shut with His thumb and one finger, while still holding His hand over my mouth. He let go after just a second, but it gave me a terrific rush. He kept doing that ever so often, never holding it longer than a split second, just long enough that I would be aware of it.
I don't even really remember Him cumming, but He did. All I could do was just lay there like a puddle of goo. He held me close and I felt so good, it was incredible. I slept like a rock, and I woke up this morning to a repeat performance! I am so glad that MJ is home now, I miss Him a lot when He is away, plus I have sexual withdrawal, lol.
Note: I know that breath play is a very touchy topic amongst the kinky folks. I want to say now that at no time was I in any danger of suffocation. I was not restrained, and I would have been able to escape easily if I had felt afraid. I trust my Husband completely, I never felt worried or scared, and He is very careful to pay attention to my signals and body language. I don't encourage serious breath play where the sub is at risk of loosing consciousness or suffocating to death. Breath play is very dangerous, please play safe.
I Like Monkeys
I got this story in an e-mail a looooong time ago. It always made me laugh for some reason, I kept a copy of it and I just rediscovered it the other day.
I Like Monkeys
I like monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they are normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys. I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. They punched my genitals. I stopped laughing. I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds, and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour. Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys. I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys. I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed. I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately, there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad. I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire. Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving. I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better. I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones. I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they liked them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals. I like monkeys.
I am not sure why, but this story still makes me laugh really hard every time I read it. So remember, don't buy cheap monkeys.
Dearest Love of My Life
First of all, stop panicking
I mean it, you're not in trouble
When I was sorting through some papers today I came across a letter that I wrote you while we were dating. I had to giggle at how sappy and lovey I was, the pages were positively oozing with my affection for you. I tucked it away in the box of knick knacks in your night stand since I know you have hung onto it for a reason.
It got me to thinking about how long it has been since I wrote you a love letter. That kind of thing sort of dies away once you live in the same house I suppose. I miss writing letters to you, it's a bit old fashioned and romantic, and I like that.
I thought back to the days of letter-writing, when I lived away from you. I remember how I used to look forward to seeing you. I would count down the days between visits, anticipating feeling your arms around me again. I would lay awake at night and miss you so badly that my heart would ache for you. It was hard to be so far away. And then the day would come and my stomach would be full of enthusiastic butterflies. The plane never got from one airport to the other fast enough. I would have to restrain myself from running to the gate, and into your arms. You would hold me and then we would kiss, and it always felt like the first time (it still does).
Then we would rush to your place, tearing each others clothes off on our way to your room, falling into bed together and making love. I love feeling your naked skin against mine, your weight on top of me, the way that we fit together just right. We were made for each other. And then we would collapse together, curled up, my body fitting against yours. And your arms would be around me and I would finally feel like everything was right in the world
There are many legends about the creation of mankind. There is one that I heard once that stuck with me. In this particular legend the metaphor for men and women were clams. God split the men and women like the halves of a clam shell and scattered them over the earth. And the halves were destined to find each other and make a whole and they would fit together perfectly. Ok, so it isn't that romantic, but for some reason I never forgot that story, although I have no clue where I heard it (probably on TV, LOL). You are the other half of my clam shell you know.
When I think about how happy you make me, what a better person I am because of you, it makes me get all weepy. I never could have imagined being so happy and content with another human being. You are perfect to me, and I love you more than I ever thought I possibly could, and you still make me all weak in the knees when I look at you.
This morning I layed awake for a while and watched you sleeping. I reached out and touched your face softly and you smiled in your sleep. You always tell me that my touch is amazing to you, you can even tell it's me in your sleep (it better have been me you were dreaming about my love, LOL). I love watching you sleep. Everything is still and quiet around us, and it feels like there is only you and I, nothing else, just us. Those moments are rare so I try to take full advantage of them when they occur, just enjoy the moment, the stillness, and listening to your breathing.
I love you, and I love feeling owned by you, feeling like I am your property. I love it when you get that look in your eyes that tells me that I belong to you, only to you. It makes me tremble when you speak to me in that tone... that special tone only for me, that lets me know that you are in charge, and I am your woman to use as you wish. I get tingles when I feel your hands on my skin, when you touch me roughly you are oddly gentle at the same time, which is hard to put into words. Your hands are demanding, insistent, they will not take no for an answer, you coax and command my body to obey you. I am helpless when you do these things to me, fragile and vulnerable, feminine.
Sometimes I wonder if I will wake up suddenly and it will all have been a dream. If that were true it would be the best dream I ever had. One of those dreams where you try to fall back asleep right away to finish it. But when I wake up in the morning I reach over and find your warm body, familiar and comforting. And I wrap myself around you and wish that we could stay like that forever. I remember before Little Man was born, we would sometimes sleep late and then stay in bed and make love until supper time. I am looking forward to doing that again, in about 18 more years, LOL.
I am so glad that we found each other. I am grateful for every night that I fall asleep in your arms, and for every morning that I wake up beside you.
I love you, my clam shell.
I Should Have Stayed At Home
Have you ever gone wandering through random blogs, following links from one blog to the next, trying to find something interesting to read? I don't do this very often, due to the fact that when I do I inevitably stumble across something that I wish I hadn't read. Have you ever found something in the blogosphere that shakes you right to your core? Makes you cry or lose sleep? Makes you so angry you could spit on whoever wrote it? Disturbs you? Disgusts you? Makes you wonder where these people come from?
This kind of thing happens to me pretty much any time I wander outside of my safe ring of blogs that I love. I innocently click on a link to the blog that shouldn't have been written and I read parts of it, like watching a hideous car accident in slow motion. And when I finally convince myself to leave and not torture myself any further I am left wondering if I will ever look at the world the same way.
Ok, maybe I am being a little dramatic. But believe it or not I have cried, lost sleep, gotten enraged, disgusted, and shaken by things I have read in blogs. I wonder too if people have had these reactions to my blog, I am sure that at least one person has been bothered by something they read here. That is never my intention, but it is unavoidable. In this wide world not everyone is going to like what you have to say all the time, which is what makes us wonderful and awful at the same time. Ah, the complexity of it all!
There are blogs that I read regularly that are not on my links list. That is because I really don't like the opinions and thoughts of the blogger, but I can't help going there to read it. It's like watching a scary movie, you know that you are going to regret watching it because you will have nightmares for a month, but you just can't help yourself. So you watch it and then wish you didn't, and you rent the sequel the following week because you are some kind of twisted masochist (LOL, just kidding, sort of).
I make a point of never leaving comments on blogs that make me really emotional. I don't like it when people parade their narrow-mindedness and ignorance on my comment board, and that might be their perception of me if I were to say what I really think. I might not like or agree with what they have to say, but that doesn't make it wrong (unless of course is illegal, but that is a different matter).
The only reason that I am writing about this today is because I have nothing kinky to report and because I read a blog that upset me. There isn't any point to this post, no insightful conclusion, or list of bloggers whose computers should be burned at the stake. Just me sharing my thought for today. Take care all, and beware clicking an unfirmiliar link ;) LOL
Entrance At Rear
My first experience with anyone going near there was when I was 18 and the guy was someone that I had been sleeping with (as a booty call) for a few weeks. I was sleeping over at his house one night and I woke up to the sensation of him prodding me there with one of his fingers. I didn't really know what to do, of course I knew about anal sex and all that, but it hadn't really appealed to me. He was gentle, at least at first, and it didn't feel horrible, but not that wonderful either. I don't clearly remember the first time we had actual anal sex (I was probably drunk if the truth be told). I do know that I didn't really like it that much, and I think that was because it hurt and it lasted a lot longer than I would have liked. Of course he didn't use lube, I mean, who would ever bother using lube? That would just be too considerate.
My next experience with anal sex was with another man a short time later (yes I was a promiscuous slut for a few months). I wasn't drunk that time and I clearly remember that he wanted anal and I went along with it because I really liked him. His penis was not that big, but he didn't believe in lube either. He just pushed it in and started humping away, and here I was on my belly, trying to pretend that this was really great, and after about 15 minutes (ok, it was probably more like 5 minutes, but it seemed longer) I just got annoyed and looked back at him in disgust and said "Are you DONE yet?" He wasn't, but I didn't care, he and his clothes were out of my door in seconds.
After that I didn't do anal again until MJ and I got together. It was the second weekend that I went to stay with Him and of course the topic came up. He had never tried anal before, and since I really liked Him too I decided that it might be ok. He was very gentle with me, and He was even nice enough to use some lubricant. It felt good, really good, and I was able to relax. And then the most humiliating thing happened to me, I don't even want to admit it here...
His penis accidentally slipped out and before He could put it back in I farted, really loudly, and I couldn't stop, I just kept farting from all the air that had gotten pushed up there. I tell you, if I could have died right then I would have, it was the most humiliating moment ever. MJ was good about it, He didn't act all repulsed, we both laughed about it a little, and then got on with things.
After that we had anal sex once in a while, it was always nice and gentle. Often we would do it while I was having my period because I am too grossed out to do it the 'normal' way at that time. There was never any pressure from MJ, if I said no He never pushed. He always treated it like I was giving Him something so special, and that defiantly added to the appeal of it. It is hard to describe how anal feels, but it isn't really like vaginal intercourse. It feels fuller, probably because it is a lot tighter there. It also seems so naughty and dirty, which appeals to my naughty, dirty little self. If done right it can be a very intense and enjoyable experience.
However, when I got pregnant with my first son my hormone changes caused me to develop a lot of boils around my anus and vagina (I can't believe I am saying this). If you have ever had a boil I am sure you can sympathize with me. If you haven't just imagine having a really sore pimple, and then imagine that it is the size of a marble or a grape, that is a boil. I would sometimes have several at once, and that was REALLY painful in that delicate area.
After my son was born the boils went away, thank god. I think we tried anal a few times between pregnancies, sometimes I managed it, sometimes I couldn't. Something changed for me and it was hard to relax enough to make it comfortable or enjoyable. Also I think that I am tighter there for some reason. I got pregnant again and no boils this time. We didn't try anal at all while I was pregnant.
Since baby girl was born we have kind of tried anal, but I have found it to be painful to have almost anything put up there. I have also had the discomfort of a very small and re-occurring tear back there (I am sure you all wanted to know that, by hey, it happens). That is all healed up now so recently I have been thinking that it might be ok to try some anal play, but the opportunity hasn't presented itself.
I think that I am a little nervous that it is going to hurt again, so it is hard for me to relax and get into it. But it is something that MJ and I both really enjoyed, and it is a very submissive thing (at least for me) to let MJ have that little part of me, so I want to try it again. We will see what happens, stay tuned for that.
If you all want to know a little secret about me, the thing that I dread the most is having MJ go down on me. Yup, that is why you have never heard me talk about that here, I don't let Him do that, even though He wants to. I used to really enjoy having oral sex performed on me, but somewhere along the way I developed some kind of hangup about it and now I have a really hard time letting Him do it. I must have just come out of the shower and I must be pretty much hairless before I feel ok about Him having His mouth there. Yes I am concerned about the smell and the taste, even though I have smelled and tasted myself on His cock plenty of times and I don't mind it at all, I still get all worried about it. It has kind of gotten to the point where He doesn't try too often anymore, probably because He thinks He will just get shot down. But I want to get past that too, because it is one of those things that I REALLY used to like. I remember one time I let a guy go down there after we got back from a rave where I had been wearing pleather pants with no undies for the whole night. I am sure that it prolly smelled pretty funky down there that time, but I didn't get hung up on it. I don't know exactly when that changed, but it did.
Anyway, now everyone knows all of my mortifying secrets! Take care.
The Shot and Sexual Deprivation
I have been having some seriously irregular bleeding due to the Depo Provera shot I had back in October. I am sure it is not that pleasant to have to read about my womanly troubles but too damned bad, lol.
MJ and I have been discussing some different options of birth control, since this shot thing is just not working out. I am going to find out about this birth control patch thing (I can't do pills, I forget). If anyone has any experience with it I am interested to know what you think of it. We have also discussed the possiblility of MJ going for the dreaded 'snip snip' as He calls it. He is a little reluctant to get it done, since reversal is only successful 40% of the time, and we are still pretty young yet (well I am anyway, he he, just kidding MJ, really, don't get out the paddle...). I am 100% sure that I don't want to have any more children, two is more than enough for me, and we have a boy and a girl so what more could I ask for? But MJ is worried that we might change our minds down the road. I am more worried that I will get pregnant in the mean time and I am just not sure that I could handle another child, mentally or emotionally.
I was supposed to go to the doctor today to see about the patch and to ask about vasectomy procedures and to see if he could give me something to stop this stupid bleeding. It is hard for me to schedule a doctors appointment because I have to try and get someone to watch the kids and my aunt is the only person nearby that I will leave my kids with. Plus my family doctor is a 30 minute drive away, but I really like going to him and I don't want to try to find a new doctor. Anyway, I had an appointment today and just my luck there is a blizzard outside and I can't even see the gas station at the end of the block. So I had to cancel my appointment and my aunt isn't sure that she will have time to watch the munchkins before the end of the month. AAAARRRRRGGGG!
I know that there are a lot of people who are not bothered by having sex during their period, but we are not those people. I just can't get in a sexy mood (very often anyway) when I feel all gross down there. I know it is natural and it happens to all women and blah blah blah... it is a thing with me, it is just not a turn on. And MJ doesn't necessarily want to fuck when He knows most of His midsection is going to be covered in blood after, yuck. I don't blame Him. So our sex life is almost comatose, and that is depressing for me. We were just getting back in the swing of things after baby girl was born. My sex drive crawled into a hole and hibernated through the pregnancy so we were finally starting to get back to our norm of once a day or 4 times a week at least, and then I got this stupid shot and the bleeding started and it seems like it only stopped for like 2 weeks in November. Needless to say I have been cranky (Depo can also contribute to that) since I have been sex deprived and play deprived.
The Post That Never Ends
Well this post is going to be about several things, since I am too lazy to bother writing several posts. Claire, your request about the tattoo experience will be in here somewhere. Also MJ and I wanted to ask for some suggestions from our readers.
First off, for anyone that doesn't know, MJ and I have some special plans for New Year's Eve. This will be our first overnight away from the kids since before baby girl was born (and she is 7 months old now). We have a hotel suite booked, it has a king sized bed, a 4 person jucuzzi tub, lots of floor space, and some furniture that offers some possibilities (like a straight backed chair and a small writing desk). We are going to go for supper, either before or after a good spanking (he he he) and then we will be returning to our room for some fun. Luckily I am just finishing my period so I know I won't be bleeding then (yay!) Sometimes your monthly time can really kill these kinds of plans, but not this time.
MJ and I were discussing some possibilities for the evening and He suggested that it might be interesting for me to stay in slave space from the time we leave my mothers (who is watching the kids) until we return the next day. By that He means that I would have to obey His every command, without question, or face certain unpleasant punishment. That means none of my usual smart-assing, as well as dressing/acting as He commands. He is considering making me wear a collar the whole time (with the exception of supper, if I am a good girl, LOL). He thought it might be interesting to ask our readers for some additional suggestions on the little experiment, since many perverted minds are always better than one. Any suggestions for things He could do to me later (in the hotel or in public, but keep in mind it is winter, and we don't want to be arrested) are also welcome. I will of course be posting a complete account of the evening (along with pictures) as soon as we get home, and I swear not to skip any good bits.
Claire asked if I would mind writing about getting a tattoo, since I have one. So here it is Claire, just for you. When I graduated from high school my uncle gave me $100.00 as a gift. I had been planning to get a tattoo for some time before that, and I had even chosen an image that I wanted to have done. The trouble was that my tattoo was going to cost me $100.00, which I didn't have, until my uncle was so nice as to give it to me. So I went with my boyfriend at the time, he already had a tattoo I might add, and the guy that we went to had done it, along with a few other tattoos my friends had. I wasn't 18 yet, but I showed the guy (I think his name was Mike) my id and explained that I was going to be turning 18 in two months and I swore if anyone asked I would tell them I had it done somewhere in the city.
He already had my tattoo prepared, I had dropped of the image a week before so that he could get it ready. I wanted it on my back, kind of towards the bottom half, but not too low, and right on the spine. He explained that having it done there with all the bones and nerves so close to the surface of the skin would be more painful than if I got it somewhere more 'fleshy' (like my butt I suppose). Anyway, I wasn't afraid of pain, I told him to go ahead. He had me sit on this table with my back to him, leaning over this padded armrest sort of device. He had the image on this transfer paper and He stuck it on my back and wet it so the image would go onto my skin, providing him with an outline. My boyfriend at the time (we'll call him Bill) sat down and read a magazine while the guy went to work on my back with his needles.
At first it was kind of ouch, but no worse than I had expected. He did the outline in black first, which was the most painful part, since he had to go over it a few times. By the time he went to the colors my back was pretty much numb, so that was ok. I think I might have winced a few times, but the whole thing was done in an hour, and it passed very quickly. Seriously, I have had spankings that were far worse. When he was done he gave me some ointment to rub on it and told me not to get it wet for a week, and then no swimming in chlorinated water for a month (great, it had to be the summer that my parents got the pool). He covered it with a bandage, I gave him the money and we left.
I thought about how I would feel about it when I am old and I doubt I will care about it. It has been 5 years now and I haven't regretted it, I decided to have a dragon tattoo because the year that I graduated was the year of the dragon. Graduating was a big deal for me because I (along with lots of other people) doubted that I would ever manage it, without repeating any grades. I wanted something that would remind me that I can do anything with a little hard work. MJ isn't a big fan of tattoos, although He doesn't mind the one I have. He doesn't want me to get anymore (but branding is ok, LOL, He is so confusing). But I think that when I finish losing the weight I will have 2 more tattoos done that represent my children, since they are my greatest achievement.
Just an added note on the branding thing. MJ has teased me about it, and sometimes it is hard to tell if He is serious or just trying to get a rise out of me. If He ever decided that He wanted to have it done for real, we would be going to a reputable body modification artist, it would certainly not be done at home by MJ. Perhaps we would have some close (and kink-aware) friends there to make it kind of a celebration. Part of me really wants it to happen, some day, and part of me hopes that it never does. I don't think we are at that point yet, and if we ever are MJ might not even be serious. Even if He is kidding, I would still like to have a formal collaring celebration once we have a house and all, with guests and the whole nine yards. But we will see, that might not appeal to MJ, when it comes to throwing parties usually He just lets me go, since it is something I LOVE to do.
After reading Baltazar's post on his meeting with some of our fellow bloggers I got to thinking about how unfortunate it is that we are so far scattered. Some of the people whose lives I read, and some who read mine, I am coming to feel quite fond of. We are like friends who have never met, but I know some of you better than people that I see all the time. It makes me a little sad that we share so many intimate details with each other, but we will likely never see each other face to face. Claire and Jen live in Canada, but as far as I can tell they both live rather far away to make a meeting possible (if they would even want to, LOL). This little blurb doesn't really have a point, just something that I was thinking about. Maybe when I win the lottery I will have to send plane tickets to some of you ;)
It also makes me wonder how much you can really know about a person just from their blog. Most of the bloggers that I read are focused mainly on sexuality, with the odd bit about their everyday lives. There is nothing wrong with that, but sometimes there is so much focus on remaining anonymous that it is hard to be as honest as we would like. Like me, I sometimes allude to the fact that we live close to Calgary (for those of you that don't know, that is in Alberta). We actually live just a few minutes out of the city, MJ works in Calgary so we have to stay close by. I am getting less concerned about someone I know stumbling across this, since most of my family is not online, and most of my friends are aware of my kink, and some of them have actually seen this blog already. However, we must still be discreet due to MJ's job and what could happen if someone He works with was to stumble upon this. That is also part of the reason He is reluctant to get out into the community here (at least, in my opinion). Even though there is a kind of unspoken understanding that 'I didn't see you at the munch' you just never know.
I have been thinking about writing this post for a while, but to be honest it is kind of a touchy subject for me, so I wasn't sure if I wanted to write it at all. But here it is now, I wanted to be honest in this blog, even if it is a little uncomfortable sometimes.
I have been doing a lot of thinking about how I would feel sharing MJ with another woman. Not full time of course, but just as a one time thing, maybe more if it was a good experience. It is something that I know MJ is interested in trying, although He is not pushy or forceful about it. I struggle with my desire to please Him and my own bad feelings on the subject. He would never let us get into something like that unless He knew that I had no reluctant feelings and we had talked extensively about our expectations, feelings, desires, etc. Even though He is the Dom, this is still a marriage (and He has been my husband much longer than He has been my Dom), He would not want to jeopardize that just to get His way. Some people might think that He should just make all the decisions, period. But that is not us, that is not what we signed on for here. We will not try to fit ourselves into someone else's preconceived notions, we are doing this our way.
When it comes to something like this (that could cause all kinds of trouble should it go badly) He will always make sure I feel comfortable, and if I am not, it will be dropped. Sorry to everyone who says that is not proper D/s, but kiss my ass. Everyone would agree with me if MJ wanted me to have sex with a dog or something and I refused. We have kids and a life together, no play of any kind is worth ruining that over, and we both agree on that.
Over the course of our relationship we have talked about having sex with other people many times, either as a threesome with another woman or man, or with another couple. I go back and forth as far as my desire to do it, sometimes it seems like a good idea, sometimes I cringe and shake my head. The thought of MJ being with another woman, touching her, looking at her naked... most of the time it makes me feel awful inside.
I know that before the Sex Show weekend I talked about the possibility of us playing with my two friends. Let me get this out of the way now, it would be different with them. I know how MJ feels about them, I know how they feel about Him, I have known them for years, I know pretty much everything that there is to know about them. That would be different, for me there is a level of comfort there. What I am talking about in this post is finding someone (or a couple) for the main purpose of having sex with them.
So I don't like the idea of MJ being with someone else. Some people probably come to the conclusion that I don't trust Him. That is not the issue for me, I have done a lot of soul searching about it and I just don't think that it comes down to trust. I don't really like the idea of me being with anyone else either, to be honest. I don't have a desire to sleep with another man, in fact I think the only way I would do it is if MJ 'lent me out' to another Dom in the context of BDSM play. And even then, I am afraid that I might chicken out. To me, swinging is just something that I don't want to do, like I don't want to try scat or blood play. I don't think that people who do that are wrong, whatever floats your boat, but it isn't for everyone.
In addition to that, I am at a stage right now where I don't feel that great about my body. The thought of anyone seeing me naked besides MJ makes me cringe. I am packing some extra pounds from my pregnancies and my breasts aren't as perky as they used to be. Who can enjoy sex when you keep thinking about how jiggly you ass looks and how flabby your tummy is? Not me that's for sure.
I have read and heard that human beings were not meant to have only one mate for life. Men (and women) want variety, which is true is some cases I suppose. As far as my feelings, I have pretty much bought into the whole monogamy concept. I wouldn't want to share my toothbrush, let alone my husband. I know that He will still look at other women, even want to sleep with them, but I don't think that I can get on board with that, at least not right now. I try to never say never (with the exception of my hard limits) but in the foreseeable future I just can't picture myself enjoying the experience. Perhaps my fears are unreasonable, silly even, but would it really be worth trying something that could cause us so many problems?
I am going to keep beating this dead horse for a moment. What if we did do it and MJ really liked it, but I hated it? What if I couldn't get past that? What if I resented Him for the rest of our marriage? What if He wanted another threesome/foursome/whatever and I refused? I am usually all about the worst case scenario. And what if it went well? That would be ok, we are all happy, no problem. But I keep asking myself, is the relationship that we have been building for four years worth risking over one night of sex? I don't think so, and I know that MJ feels the same way.
If you are into getting some ass outside of your committed relationship I wish you the best. Not everyone is into it, just like not everyone is into BDSM, watersports, sex in animal costumes, and so on. If there is ever something that I am into the MJ is not, I hope He will be ok with telling me so, and we can just forget about it and move on. I hope that I made some sense during this post, writing it was one of those rare occasions when I am not sure that I got my point across. If I think of any other points I wanted to make I can always write another post, which I might have to do to respond to comments and questions from my readers. I have done far too much thinking today, I am glad that bedtime is only a few hours away, lol.
MJ and I had a long talk last night about the contents of this post and His feelings on everything. He thinks I am a little ridiculous for getting so worked up about it, but He is glad that I came to Him right away with my feelings. He is in agreement with everything that was said above, and He had a few things to add:
Some fantasies are better left that way, just fantasies. I would never try to push temptation into anything that she didn't want to do. I have to admit that the thought of her with another man is hard for me. In some ways I find it erotic, but I think that if it came down to it in real life I would feel different about it. I don't like the idea of someone else touching her in ways that only I should touch her. I might talk about having sex with other people, but it is the idea, not the reality, that turns me on. I don't want her to get all upset about this; I don't want other women (unless she wanted another woman, since she does go that way sometimes). Even then, I would be happy just to watch, lol.
I am glad that we have this openness with each other, she tends to stew about things for a long time if she doesn't talk about them.
The Nature Of My Submission, Continued
I didn't really get to say everything that I wanted to in my last post. Besides, it might be easier for readers to swallow it in smaller doses, LOL! Now I want to discuss how sex fits in with our vanilla-D/s hybrid life.
I have suffered from a bit of a low sex drive since I got pregnant the first time, 3 years ago. My pregnancies just killed sex for me, I hardly let MJ touch me. And then in between I gained weight because I had a really hard time adjusting to life as a new mom. I ate to comfort myself and ease frustration and loneliness. I didn't feel sexy and I didn't want to have sex with MJ. Then there was the next pregnancy, and that made matters worse. Needless to say the poor Man got shot down A LOT!
Since baby girl was born we have been exploring D/s and it has really made a difference in our sex life. Plus I am exercising and watching what I eat and my figure is coming back. I am finding out that D/s leads to loads and loads of me giving blowjobs, LOL. Seeing as MJ can pretty much demand one whenever He likes. He can read my moods pretty well and He doesn't really bother forcing the issue if He knows I really am not in the mood. On the other hand sometimes I can be annoyed and He just grabs my ponytail and forces me, and I quickly remember Who is in charge here.
That said, sometimes I still just flatly refuse to cooperate and MJ usually lets it go. Part of me wishes that He wouldn't. Usually when I am at my grouchiest what I really need is some good smacks on the ass and a nice orgasm. Some days I think that He is just too tired to make me do something that I don't want to, He has been working some long hours lately. But once we move He will just be able to toss me into the cage and leave me stew there. Some people think that is just lazy Dominance, but it makes me feel really submissive to be treated like an animal. Kind of like a puppy that peed on the carpet, LOL. Whatever blows your skirt up I always say.
The Nature Of My Submission
I come from a family that is dominated by the women. My mother is definitely the Head of her household. She looks after the money, pays the bills, decides what purchases are priorities, makes all of the major decisions regarding the kids (she has 3 teenagers at home still), and so forth. My grandmother and most of my aunts are the same way. I was raised being told that men are little more than stupid animals that must be cared for and whose main role in life is to provide money for the family and sperm for baby making. Otherwise they are pretty much totally useless and best left out in their garages tinkering with things so that they don't get in the way. If I ever learned anything from my mother it was that I should never get myself into a position where I had to rely on a man in any way. Even if I got married I should still be capable of supporting myself (and any children) in the event that I got divorced. All of her intentions were good I am sure, but she turned me into a bitter man-hater by the age of 12. I decided then that I would never have children, and if I did get married to a man that wanted children, He would stay home and raise the babies while I worked, preferably away from home for long periods. Was I messed up!
And then when I stated dating I was most often attracted to men that were physically weaker than me. Usually they were not too bright and were happy to let me be the boss of everything. I was becoming my mother, eep! I soon found that it got old being in charge all the time, I think that I fell into the trap of bullying my boyfriends to try to get them to react to me with force or something. I didn't know what I wanted so I swore off dating and just concentrated on my friends. And then I started talking to a Man, a Man who was not like most of the men that I had dated. He was so open with me, so honest about everything. And I could open up to Him. He was very intelligent and easy to talk to. The rest is history and now He is my husband.
So, now I am married to a Man that is not content to tinker in His garage (actually we don't have a garage right now, but you get the idea). He likes to be involved, He takes care of the money, He has His own ways of doing things, He does not let me be the boss all the time. I am having a hard time adjusting. This can't be right, this isn't what I was taught, the world is upside down!!! And then it dawns on me... I don't have to be a bra-burning feminist, I don't have to be my mother, it is OK for MJ and I to find our own way. Wow, I never knew, lol.
Fast-forward to now, 3 years later. We are pretty much past all the pains that occurred when I was trying to grasp what a real marriage should be and letting go of ideas that I had that were not right for us. There have been moments, and I don't pretend that everything will be all roses from now until the end, but we are finding our own groove. And then I come up with another one of my infamous 'great' ideas. Why don't we try to make things more complicated by getting D/s involved in our happy little life together? MJ says that sometimes I can really be a pain in the ass by making things much more complex than they need to be. But in this case He is going along with me. So now we need to try and fit these new ideas into our life.
I have to admit, I have a hard time some days. Part of me still hangs on to the idea that real women never relinquish control, that they make the decisions, that their husbands obey them. But another part of me screams that I don't want that. When it comes to the kids MJ usually defaults to me. That is just because I care for them all day and most of the decisions at this point are about what to give them for breakfast. He also gives me money for groceries, etc. and it is my responsibility to spend it wisely so that we get to eat everyday. Also He gives me chores to do to keep the house clean. When it comes to major things, like big purchases, we both have our say, and then we try to come to an agreement. For example, recently we wanted to spend big $$$ on a DVD camera, but we knew that there maybe were other things that we needed more. So we decided to buy it, but that it would be our Christmas present to each other. That was simple enough, we both agreed. However, when there are times that we disagree the negotiation process can go on for weeks. Sometimes He just decides, and that is it. I try not to have thoughts of revenge, lol. Sometimes He sees my point after I explain my feelings, which is fine. And sometimes we find some middle ground and everyone gets their way. When we first got married I told Him that I would try my best not to be one of 'those' wives, that *allow* their husbands to do things. I have worked hard at that. Some days I slip and say no before He can finish asking me if He can go watch football with His friends. Luckily He is patient with me and allows me to explain. Maybe the kids have been crazy that day and I just really need a little help with them. I am only human, I have only so much patience. We work it out either way. And so far it is going really great for us.
Now that we are starting into D/s I wonder about decision-making in the future. I get a little nervous when I think of Him just getting to decide everything all the time. I think that might be too much for us. I think that we will just keep on the way we are, sort of. Hopefully He will always ask for my input when it comes to big decisions (like buying a new car or something), but maybe He will take over more day to day. It has already started. He assigns me chores, if they are not done, unpleasant punishment is certain. If there are additional things I want to do, that is fine, but I cannot substitute a self-assigned task for one of His. So that works well, it keeps me motivated. When it comes to things that we want to buy we seem to have an understanding that if it is over 50.00 we make sure it is ok with the other. I think that maybe sooner or later He might dispose of that, at least for His part, but maybe not. We are still trying to find a groove for combining aspects of D/s with vanilla life.
I am glad that He is not one of the husbands that complains about their wives. In fact most of His friends think I am pretty easy-going. I 'allow' Him ~winkin~ to do all kinds of things that their wives usually don't. For a while after the last baby was born I didn't want Him to be away from home, except to work, but that is only because I was trying to adjust to looking after the kids and so forth. But now it is getting better. He just went away on business for 2 nights and I found that I can survive without Him for that long, so I think that He will be taking a 'weekend with the guys' in the near future. And maybe He will just inform me that He is going and give me that special Domly look, and that will be that. The tiny part of me that is still tempted to burn her bra might object, but I think that MJ could whip her into submission ~giggling~.
There's No Room For Jealousy In This Dungeon
In my experience if a Dom starts to make all kinds of demands about whom you may speak to and whom you may hang out with, it is time to seriously think about how serious this relationship is. If it is someone that you really want to be with you could try to get to the root of His insecurities, maybe He has been burned badly in the past and is afraid of future infidelity on your part. Professional help might be necessary in order to save the relationship. If this person is someone that you have not been with very long, I would chuck them to the curb. No one has the right to tell you that you can no longer see your friends and family, unless they have a damned good reason and you are in denial about the destructive aspects of the relationship. Even in that case, I doubt that all of your relationships are harmful, and your Dom should not object to you continuing friendships that are otherwise healthy and normal.
I used to have an online D/s relationship with a Man. I was new to D/s and this was a safe way for me to test the waters. One day He found out that I had gone into a chat room that He did not want me visiting, of course it was the room I had been going to for months and most of my friends hung out there. When He found out I had gone in there He told me that I was not to be online at all for at least 2 weeks. I just laughed and promptly blocked Him from all of my messengers and ignored Him every time I went into a chat room where He was. Now if life were that easy we would all live happily ever after, but you cannot erase a real person from your life with the touch of a button.
MJ and I do not have this problem. He lets me talk to anyone that I want. The only thing He asks of me is that I be honest with Him if He asks me about my interactions. He also prefers that I do not disclose too much personal information before I know someone really well. That whole agreement has less to do with our D/s and more to do with honesty in our marriage. MJ and I believe in total honesty both in vanilla life and D/s, and we respect each other and love each other enough to have no secrets. I even save all of my messenger chats just in case He ever wants to read them, not that He ever does, unless there was a juicy bit.
Some people might wonder what the big deal is, if He is jealous doesn't that mean that He loves you soooooo much that He never wants to loose you? I will say it once, NO! It means that He is insecure and He only feels good about Himself when He is controlling someone else. Big trouble is that He is not equipped, capable, or responsible enough to safely and sanely control anyone. He might not even be in control of Himself, which could lead to violence, and not the kind that is consensual. Beware of a Dom that asks you to give up everything in your life but Him.
Now, subs are not angels either ~trying to hide her horns~. I have seen many subs become sniveling, weeping, pains in the ass whenever their Dom so much as looks at another woman. They get so worried that He might just decide to add another girl to His stable that they freak out and demand that He never talk to another female unless she is His mother, and even then, only once a week over the phone. That is ridiculous in my opinion. When you sign up for a D/s relationship you should perhaps talk beforehand about your feelings on sharing. If you prefer not to share a Master, you should put that out on the table at the beginning, cause waiting till later could be disastrous. Some men only want one slave, some would like to have several. Personally I am a one Man slave, and MJ is fine with that. Not to say that there will never be an occasion that I might share Him, but He will never have a full-time slave besides me. But lets face it ladies, He is not dead, He is going to look at other women. Does that mean that He is looking for someone better? No. Does it mean that He is going to leave you? No. Should you let it cause so much frustration that He leaves you just to get away from your nagging? No. I don't know what I can say besides "suck it up". If you are that insecure I think that maybe you should take a look at yourself and see why you have these feelings.
So, there are my thoughts. I could keep going, but there is no point beating a dead horse.
When A Nice Girl Says No, Does She Really Mean Maybe?
Lately I have been thinking a reading a bit about limits. Some people have limits that are absolutely non-negotiable, 'if you try that I will put you in jail'. Other people seem to be of the opinion that limits are for wussies, and there could never be an incident in which their life, or someone else's life, could be compromised because there were no limits in place during play. By the way, this whole limits bit is meant to be taken in the context of BDSM play, not vanilla life.
So, where do you stand? Like most people, I am a fence-sitter. MJ and I have discussed limits, I have told Him my maybe's, probably not's, and don't you dare's. And He is respectful of that, I made it pretty clear where He could try a little pushing, and areas to just stay away from. Recently the question was posed to me "Should there be limits and safewords in place for punishments?" At first it disturbed me, as all of my reading suggests that safewords and limits are fundamental, they keep us safe, and they keep us from getting in over our heads. Besides, if you are a sub and you are being punished for something you did wrong, I expect you would try your hardest to accept the punishment, to avoid further disappointment of your Dom. Punishment should not be a time to push limits, unless there has been negotiation on that, in my opinion punishment should be brief, and used to remind the sub that they are to behave. But of course, there is no one-size-fits-all in that department.
Limits are like rules, some are for bending, others for breaking, some should just be left alone. And they are not just for submissives, Doms can have limits too. When we first started out, MJ said that He didn't think that He would ever be able to beat me until I cried, and so far He hasn't, but I think that He would be more open to that now, and He realizes that if I do cry, it will not necessarily indicate that He has done something horrible to me. Some submissives have limits for very important reasons. Sometimes they have had traumatic life experiences that they associate with some acts that occur in BDSM, Doms be warned about touching those limits at all. The only time it might be ok is in the context of a long-term, committed relationship, where the people involved know each other well enough to anticipate feelings and reactions to certain stimulation. Even then, tread very lightly, the last thing You want is for Your partner to have a serious mental episode and resent You for putting them in that position. Don't ever try pushing limits if you are playing with a new partner.
All in all I think that limits are important, as are safewords. Even during punishments, because a Dom could unknowingly trigger something in a submissive that the submissive just cannot handle, and if there was no way to let the Dom know, the results could be disastrous. And submissives should respect the limits of their Dominant. You would never want to push a Dominant to do something to you that He or She is not knowledgeable or confident in doing, you could end up as strip steak or worse.
So, all of that said, I hope that I offered at least some original insight, not just regurgitation of stuff that has already been said. Safety is so important in BDSM, you do not want to get into a situation where someone might end up seriously freaked out, injured, or dead. So, next time you play, take care and be safe.
Cum and Chocolate
I wanted to write about discipline in our D/s relationship. When I talked to MJ about it He pointed out that it would be hard for Him to punish me while the kids were awake, as we both agree not to ever do anything remotely D/s in front of them. I said He could always punish me after they went to bed. But He reminded me that by that time whatever I am all fluffed up about has usually passed, which is true. So, what to do? We decided to just forget about any kind of 'inside the box' punishment, and He will just decide what to do with me spur of the moment. I also brought it to His attention that discipline didn't have to be limited to corporal punishment/spanking. There are plenty of other things He could do, such as making me do something unpleasant. He didn't need any help thinking of the perfect thing to threaten me with, if I fail to do my chores (without a VERY good reason), or act like a brat, He'll make me lick His ass without Him showering first ~wrinkling nose~ which He knows I hate! So I will do everything possible to avoid that, making it pretty effective as motivation to listen to Him. Tada, discipline problem solved.
Also I wanted to tell the story behind my inability to swallow cum. I cannot resist telling the story, it is just too funny, although gross at the same time. Up until this particular incident, I had no problem swallowing, although the taste left a lot to be desired and it gave me a funny feeling at the back of my throat. It seems to be a big turn on for men, so I went along with it for the most part. Well the first summer that MJ and I were together, He had to have His tonsils out and so He went to stay with His mom and dad afterwards so that they could look after Him (He is such a big baby). Anyway, they had to go away for the weekend like the day after He got out of the hospital, so I said that I would come and stay at their house and look after Him. If it is of any interest, it was during that stay that we had wild sex in His parents bed, and our first time experimenting with clothespins (he he). So that was all well and good. One night we went out to eat and for dessert I had a piece of chocolate mousse cake that I love. La de da we headed back to His parents and started to fool around in the guest room. I was giving Him a lovely blowjob and He came in my mouth, and when I tried to swallow... well it only got halfway down when the chocolate cake came up to meet it and I threw up all over His mother's lovely bird-print quilt. MJ was horrified, but not nearly as much as me. I raced to the bathroom to rinse my mouth and the blanket, hoping that I could get out the gooey cake/cum mess, it was bad, so bad. Anyway, since then every time I think of cum in my mouth my stomach turns and I want to be sick. But I know that MJ secretly wishes I would get past it, so I am trying. Last night when I sucked His cock under the table I could defiantly taste cum on it and it wasn't so bad, I think that the quantity He usually unloads is what gives me the trouble. Anyway, I'll bet you are really glad that I shared that, LOL.
I Suspect I Might Be A Pervert
So, I have started to notice that my sex drive is going through the roof. MJ has noticed it too, He thinks it's funny. I used to have quite a high sex drive when I was in college, but I must admit, it hasn't been that great since I had my little ones. It is probably due to tiredness, stress, and self-conscious feelings about my body. However, since MJ and I started into this kink business it doesn't seem to matter that I've only had 4 hours sleep, or that my tummy is not as tight as it once was. All He has to do is kiss me or say the right thing and I am aroused, it is very weird. I have to be honest, it has been a long time since He has had such an effect on me. That might sound horrible, but it isn't that I have loved Him less or ever found Him less attractive than when we first met. But after you have been with someone for a few years they become... familiar. I mean, it would be hard to maintain the kind of sex life we used to have, now that we have children. Some days we would stay in bed till supper time and make love all day. Back then we could do that every weekend, He used to be able to come home at lunch time for a quickie too if He wanted. But now our son gets up at the crack of dawn, even on weekends, and we have moved out of the city so He can't come home for lunch, these kinds of changes are just a fact of life. However, since we have started in this new area of our relationship I am horny a lot of the time, lol, I always joke with Him that I am oversexed. He laughs and says that He doesn't really see the problem with that.
I think that it is really good for our relationship. I have been feeling bad for like the past 3 years that I haven't been in the mood all that often, and it has caused a few little problems between us. I get worried that I am not meeting His needs and then I get all insecure and it just is unpleasant for both of us. But now things are better, maybe because when He feels the urge, and the kids are otherwise occupied, He can just grab me by the ponytail and drag me into the other room for a very speedy shag, and I don't even protest, very much anyway, lol. So I feel like I am being a better wife to Him, and that makes everyone else in the house a little happier. Tada, life is good!
My Grandfather's Bullwhip
A question was posed to me today by a new friend of mine. He asked how it was that I learned about my kinkiness. So here is a new blog entry about me 'coming into' my kinkiness.
Throughout my childhood and into my early teens, I spent a good part of my time with my grandfather. He is my hero, and the greatest horseman I know. He spawned my early love of leather, unknowingly, just because I spent so much time handling tack and so on. My grandfather had an 8-foot bullwhip, it was black with some white, and you could tell that the maker put in much time making it wonderful to hold and look at. I never saw grandfather use it for anything, but sometimes he would crack it for me. I will never forget the way that sound made me feel. It was not sexual, but more of a funny stirring deep inside. When I was older I tried to master cracking it, but I never was successful. The sound of it hissing through the air and then ending in a sound like a gunshot, I found it...primal, and that appealed to me.
I had never really thought about it till recently, while reading a well-written bit about bullwhips used for S/M ( a practice that should be left to the experts). It was a few years after the last time I saw that whip that I got really interested in BDSM. I think that I started to suspect that my needs were not, what most would call 'normal', during my first sexual relationship. I wanted my boyfriend at the time to say degrading things to me, and I had rape fantasies. Since I think that I am pretty free-minded, I did not think I was a sicko, a little weird maybe, but not sick. When I was a little older I realized that I like rough sex, with spanking and hair-pulling (another big hint).
I think that the first time I really understood about BDSM was when I started spending a lot of time online. Unfortunately, my first experiences with slavery were in the context of online Gor role-play. I felt very deeply submissive towards men, and the place that I chatted also had a BDSM room. Finally I converted and spent a lot of time there, and soon I was reading everything I could about bondage, D/s, and SM. At first I was not sure that it was for me, but I kept coming back. For me it seems to be 90% about the mental side of submission, I like the way I feel when I am in a submissive space. All of the whipping and teasing is just added bonus.
I bought my first 2 SM books at the Sex Show in Calgary, in 2003, but had to put those thoughts on hold because it just couldn't fit into my life at the time. But now we are slowly easing our way into it, a little at a time.
Sometimes I still think about that bullwhip, and I wonder if my grandfather still has it. I hope so, maybe I can convince him to give it to me, unless of course he secretly uses it on my grandmother once in a while. So that is how I got into kink and thus, how this blog was born. I welcome any other questions that people would like me to answer, that is why I allow comments to my posts. Until later, take care and be safe.