Friday, May 27, 2005
Build Your Dream Dom...

LOL, if only it was that easy...

This post was inspired by Amber and her recent post regarding submissives taking the initiative to submit willingly, rather than trying to corner their Dom into making them submit. Anyway, she says it better than that, so take a look.

Can you really teach a regular old vanilla man to be an amazing Dom? This seems to be a matter of opinion within the community. The short answer, from my perspective, is yes and no, lol, clear enough?

Some men just do not have the makings of a Dom in them, in fact they would probably do a lot better on the other end of the flogger. You can instruct and coerce them all you want, and they may become very skilled Tops, but it won't be quite the same.

But don't lose hope yet. Some men have a Dominant beast lurking within them, just waiting for a good excuse to come out and tie you down. On the whole, society frowns on women surrendering to men. They frown on men hitting women, however consensual it is. Women should always be treated with the utmost respect, especially since the feminist movement when women demanded that they be treated as equals, if not as superiors. A lot of submissive women struggle with their feelings of submissiveness because it goes against everything they were taught. Women should never 'surrender' to a man, you should not rely on a man, you should be totally independent. Well, sometimes it takes a good Dom to draw out the submissive slut in those women, and sometimes it takes a good submissive to draw out the Dominant beast in a Man.

I think that we too often forget that many men with Dominant inclinations are suppressing their feelings, because it is just *wrong*, right? One of the first lessons that many little boys learn is that you never hit girls (especially the really annoying ones in your grade one class). This message is repeated over and over and over as they grow up. Girls are physically weaker than boys (for the most part), so boys should never take advantage of that and abuse girls. This goes on into adulthood, you never really hear about women being arrested for domestic abuse of her husband, unless she does something really extreme (like cutting off his manhood). Even then, the chances of her going to jail are far slimmer than if he had cut off her breast or labia.

So when a wife (I only used married couples as an example because that is how it works in my part of the world) saunters up to her Man and says "I want you to tie me up and hit me with this" and then hands Him a __________ (insert implement of your choice here) His brain naturally goes into alarm mode. I wouldn't know but it probably goes something like this:

vanilla lobe:'she wants me to what? Oh shit, this is bad.'

Dom lobe: 'woooohooo, my prayers have been answered, where's the rope?'

vanilla lobe: 'no wait, I can't do that, it's wrong, I shouldn't hit the woman that I love, it goes against everything that my mother ever taught me'

Dom lobe:'this is gonna be great, wait until she sees all the toys I have been secretly hiding in the garage'

vanilla lobe: 'no way I am touching this with a ten foot pole. Next time we have an argument she'll cry spousal abuse and I'll end up in jail.'

Dom lobe: 'shut up vanilla lobe, don't you know that this means blowjobs on demand?'

Ok, maybe not totally like that, lol. But honestly, don't you think that it is really hard for them to accept your requests?

That said, it will probably take some convincing on your part that you truly want this, and that nothing bad will happen if He Doms you. Luckily, these days, there are almost unlimited resources online to help Him educate Himself on the finer points of D/s and the like. It will take a while for Him to get over His nervousness, which is good, and to be expected. Just like when you were learning to ride a bike (ok, totally overused analogy, but it works). At first it was really scary, you didn't want to let go of your training wheels. But after peddling up and down the street with your mom or dad hanging onto the back of your bike, you got the hang of it. You still wiped out a few times, and it took loads of practice to master, even more practice to learn any tricks. So it is with Domination, He isn't going to wake up one morning and suddenly be a perfect Dominant, it will take time.

You can help by assuring Him often how much you are enjoying this new dynamic of your relationship. Try not to fall into the trap that I did and start pestering Him so much that He pulls away. Domination can very easily become like a chore for a Man, if you are always begging for it He'll start to see it as more work for Him. This is not true of all Men, and you know your husband better than I do, so use your own judgement in that area. But don't expect Him to just take charge and *force* you to submit, at least not right away. While that can be fun some of the time, if He has to fight you every time He wants you to submit, it will get old, real fast. And if you are fighting for control all the time, is that really being submissive? Like Amber says, take the initiative and be submissive, without him having to force you. You may be skeptical about this approach, but at least give it a try, a good try, over at least a month or two. It might not be loads of fun for you, not what you really imagined when you asked for D/s, but it will probably help. Your man will see how wonderful it is to have a beautifully submissive wife, and he will want to keep you that way, so if you start to step out of line it will be more natural for him to *ahem* put you back in your place by whatever method suites you both. He will also be more inclined to play if He isn't using so much energy battling with you for the top spot in the relationship.

I am using MJ and I as an example because it is working for us. I decided to just submit to MJ without Him having to ask or make me. I got very noticeable and positive results right off the start, and when we discussed it later He said that He felt that Dominating me was less work, and therefore more fun for Him, when I submitted without the struggle. Sure it is still fun to play with resistance and so forth in the bedroom, but doing it constantly in everyday life will become exhausting for him and frustrating for you. Even if you think this will not work for you, does it really hurt to try???

So, can you teach a regular guy to be a wonderful Dom? Yes, but only if the inclination is already there on some level. You will know when you see it in his eyes. He will have an energy about Him, a presence that makes you go weak in the knees. It may take Him a lot of time and encouragement to get over His reluctance and insecurity, but when something finally clicks, boy does it ever. There will probably still be times that He questions the *rightness* of it all, but if you make sure He knows that you are a willing victim, it will pass.