Friday, May 27, 2005

I have been thinking about writing this post for a while, but to be honest it is kind of a touchy subject for me, so I wasn't sure if I wanted to write it at all. But here it is now, I wanted to be honest in this blog, even if it is a little uncomfortable sometimes.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about how I would feel sharing MJ with another woman. Not full time of course, but just as a one time thing, maybe more if it was a good experience. It is something that I know MJ is interested in trying, although He is not pushy or forceful about it. I struggle with my desire to please Him and my own bad feelings on the subject. He would never let us get into something like that unless He knew that I had no reluctant feelings and we had talked extensively about our expectations, feelings, desires, etc. Even though He is the Dom, this is still a marriage (and He has been my husband much longer than He has been my Dom), He would not want to jeopardize that just to get His way. Some people might think that He should just make all the decisions, period. But that is not us, that is not what we signed on for here. We will not try to fit ourselves into someone else's preconceived notions, we are doing this our way.

When it comes to something like this (that could cause all kinds of trouble should it go badly) He will always make sure I feel comfortable, and if I am not, it will be dropped. Sorry to everyone who says that is not proper D/s, but kiss my ass. Everyone would agree with me if MJ wanted me to have sex with a dog or something and I refused. We have kids and a life together, no play of any kind is worth ruining that over, and we both agree on that.

Over the course of our relationship we have talked about having sex with other people many times, either as a threesome with another woman or man, or with another couple. I go back and forth as far as my desire to do it, sometimes it seems like a good idea, sometimes I cringe and shake my head. The thought of MJ being with another woman, touching her, looking at her naked... most of the time it makes me feel awful inside.

I know that before the Sex Show weekend I talked about the possibility of us playing with my two friends. Let me get this out of the way now, it would be different with them. I know how MJ feels about them, I know how they feel about Him, I have known them for years, I know pretty much everything that there is to know about them. That would be different, for me there is a level of comfort there. What I am talking about in this post is finding someone (or a couple) for the main purpose of having sex with them.

So I don't like the idea of MJ being with someone else. Some people probably come to the conclusion that I don't trust Him. That is not the issue for me, I have done a lot of soul searching about it and I just don't think that it comes down to trust. I don't really like the idea of me being with anyone else either, to be honest. I don't have a desire to sleep with another man, in fact I think the only way I would do it is if MJ 'lent me out' to another Dom in the context of BDSM play. And even then, I am afraid that I might chicken out. To me, swinging is just something that I don't want to do, like I don't want to try scat or blood play. I don't think that people who do that are wrong, whatever floats your boat, but it isn't for everyone.

In addition to that, I am at a stage right now where I don't feel that great about my body. The thought of anyone seeing me naked besides MJ makes me cringe. I am packing some extra pounds from my pregnancies and my breasts aren't as perky as they used to be. Who can enjoy sex when you keep thinking about how jiggly you ass looks and how flabby your tummy is? Not me that's for sure.

I have read and heard that human beings were not meant to have only one mate for life. Men (and women) want variety, which is true is some cases I suppose. As far as my feelings, I have pretty much bought into the whole monogamy concept. I wouldn't want to share my toothbrush, let alone my husband. I know that He will still look at other women, even want to sleep with them, but I don't think that I can get on board with that, at least not right now. I try to never say never (with the exception of my hard limits) but in the foreseeable future I just can't picture myself enjoying the experience. Perhaps my fears are unreasonable, silly even, but would it really be worth trying something that could cause us so many problems?

I am going to keep beating this dead horse for a moment. What if we did do it and MJ really liked it, but I hated it? What if I couldn't get past that? What if I resented Him for the rest of our marriage? What if He wanted another threesome/foursome/whatever and I refused? I am usually all about the worst case scenario. And what if it went well? That would be ok, we are all happy, no problem. But I keep asking myself, is the relationship that we have been building for four years worth risking over one night of sex? I don't think so, and I know that MJ feels the same way.

If you are into getting some ass outside of your committed relationship I wish you the best. Not everyone is into it, just like not everyone is into BDSM, watersports, sex in animal costumes, and so on. If there is ever something that I am into the MJ is not, I hope He will be ok with telling me so, and we can just forget about it and move on. I hope that I made some sense during this post, writing it was one of those rare occasions when I am not sure that I got my point across. If I think of any other points I wanted to make I can always write another post, which I might have to do to respond to comments and questions from my readers. I have done far too much thinking today, I am glad that bedtime is only a few hours away, lol.



MJ and I had a long talk last night about the contents of this post and His feelings on everything. He thinks I am a little ridiculous for getting so worked up about it, but He is glad that I came to Him right away with my feelings. He is in agreement with everything that was said above, and He had a few things to add:

Some fantasies are better left that way, just fantasies. I would never try to push temptation into anything that she didn't want to do. I have to admit that the thought of her with another man is hard for me. In some ways I find it erotic, but I think that if it came down to it in real life I would feel different about it. I don't like the idea of someone else touching her in ways that only I should touch her. I might talk about having sex with other people, but it is the idea, not the reality, that turns me on. I don't want her to get all upset about this; I don't want other women (unless she wanted another woman, since she does go that way sometimes). Even then, I would be happy just to watch, lol.
I am glad that we have this openness with each other, she tends to stew about things for a long time if she doesn't talk about them.